A LIFE WELL LIVED, BUT WHO CARES?

Hello to all.  This is an interesting site…I am not here to ask for anyone’s money, prayers, or goods of any kind.  What I want is advice.  How do we find our way out of this hell hole?  That’s what I need is a true success story.  I don’t want to hear Dr. Phil preach from his tall chair ( has he ever been a single mom supporting two kids off 10 bucks an hour?)  and I so don’t want to hear the all mighty Oprah proclaim that “anything is possible if I just want it bad enough” …how many of us are going to become ultra famous entertainers who earn multi millions every month?  There are maybe just a handful of people in the entire world who have done what she has done, and she would be the first to tell, she has been “lucky”.  I’m just a regular person.  I never took drugs, or went to jail.  I didn’t get pregnant before marriage, or commit crimes.  I haven’t had big legal problems, or really caused any one any grief.  I have been married twice, both times to men I thought were decent, good men, but one became a total coke addict, and left me and our two girls for some bar chick he met, and I divorced my second husband because he sexually victimized our 15 year old daughter, and physically abused our sons.  I had to get out to protect the children.  
   That was seven years ago, and I just wonder, are things ever going to get better?  Am I ever going to get it right?  Most woman in my position just find someone elece to marry or get with, because it is easier, financially.  But that just doesn’t seem realistic for me, because A)- I don’t want to be with someone just for economic reasons, and B)- I am not thin, and lets just face it, men don’t seem to like chunky girls, even if we have a lot to offer as a companion, friend, lover etc. 
   I work full time in a job that I like, but it doesn’t pay much.  I keep this job because it has good insurance which I need for my kids, and it has paid sick/vacation, which is a comfort to me incase I have to miss work, I know I wont loose my job over it, or lose a days pay.  Two of my four children have disabilities, one has medication dependent epilepsy, and my 15 year old has autism and a visual impairment.  We have never received government assistance of any kind.  No food stamps, no disability assistance, nothing.  The state of Utah says I earn “to much” money (10 dollars per hour is “too much?”)  
   I also go to college, and I have had to pay for every over inflated fee my self, primarily with student loans.  Apparently, I am not eligible for any aid for college either.  I have chosen to work in a field that doesn’t really pay huge salaries, I help little kids and families who have disabilities.  Most of the work is very fulfilling, but is non profit.  I am not going to get wealthy this way.  I have tried to do other jobs, but it is hard to spend 40 hours a week selling crap on the phone, and with out a college degree, my choices are limited.  Getting my Bachelor’s Degree is going to take at least 3 more years.  I simply can not attend full time, and work full time and adequately supervise and care for my two boys.  I usually take 2-3 classes per semester, and I even attend during the summer if I don’t run out of money.  I find that I NEVER have enough to set money aside, to have emergency savings, so then when the inevitable happens, and my cars needs repair, or there’s a medical expense, or a holiday/birthday, I am stuck having to rob Peter to pay Paul, and end up in debt up to my eyeballs, and then I pay it back, but then the process starts all over again.  I can NEVER get ahead.  Most of the time, I am literally one check away from homeless-ness.  I don’t have family or friends to fall back on.  I have noticed that is the case with many of us.  My Mother died when I was 24, and my Father is estranged from the family, and has been for many,  many years.   Both if my siblings are extremely dysfunctional addicts, who basically have figured out ways to receive money from the states in which they live to sit home and drink, smoke and party.  Neither has ever worked long term, or made any progress since about the age of 15.  Oddly enough, even though they both get “assistance” from the state, they are both always with a significant other who pays all the bills.  People get beat up, thrown in jail, police visit…Kids don’t know who their daddy is, there are lots of 30 day stays in the nearest rehab/mental health hospital (at tax payers expense)….they are the neighbors you DON’T want to have.  But their needs seem to be met.  They both have large homes, brand new cars they paid cash for, go on cruses to Alaska.  Neither has a college degree, or a career.    
   I am just using them as an illustration of why it upsets and confuses me that I just cant catch a break.  I try to do the right thing.  I have been on my own since age 16, and I cant always chose the right thing, but I try.  I am kind to others, and I obey the law.  I believe in self sufficiency, and I have worked hard.  But none of that spares me from having to visit the local food bank, because the money runs out, and well, teenage boys need to eat.  None of my good choices produce good fortune, good karma, good luck, or anything like that.  I just get so weary of having to say no, of NEVER taking my kids on a vacation, of not having, of buying 2nd hand clothes, worrying about how I am going to pay back the check N go.  I remember one time I didn’t even have a quarter, literally, to put air in my faulty car tire.  I had painstakingly collected and used all spare change for gas a few days ago.  It was several days till payday. And I knew that because I had done the math wrong, my checking account was overdrawn, and not much would actually be left when I did get paid, and my direct deposit went in. 
   I am just so sick of living this way.  Shut off notices from the electric company, but then, somehow I find a way to pay (usually by borrowing) and then next month it’s the phone bill.  Its exhausting.  Mentally, spiritually, and even physically.  And speaking of spirituality, some well meaning folks think they’ve got my problem solved…If I would only find God, be “righteous”, read the Bible, all of my problems would work themselves out.  I am here to say, no offence but that’s just not how it works.  Many good Christian people are in this predicament, even though they are very religious, and perfectly worthy of Gods most decent gifts.  Many wicked people are whooping it up, having a great time, enjoying every minute of their good fortune, even though they don’t deserve it.  I was actually a very religious Mormon for 18 years, I did and said all the right stuff.  I carried the all important temple card, I paid my tithes, offerings, and donations ( to the tune of over 40 thousand dollars in an 18 year period) This is average for Mormons, singe they are expected to pay 10% of any and all earnings, that’s GROSS earnings, before taxes, plus 10% of any other kind of income you might have, plus offerings, paid monthly to support the churches missionary and other programs, plus other donations as well.  I am not sure how the LDS church can in good conscience take that kind of money from the working poor, most of whom have way to many mouths to feed, but they did, and they do now from their thousands of faithful members, who then have to turn around and file bankruptcy, because they cant pay the bills, and support the church at the same time.
   I have never filed bankruptcy, many people I know have, a couple have even filed repeatedly.  I guess I don’t know where I’m going with all of this, I am rambling on and on.  It is a complex subject.  So far, the solutions I have heard are; commit a crime,  (sorry, don’t want to go to jail) find a guy to marry, (I would mind if I could find the right guy, but its just not happening) file bankruptcy, go live with family members who can help me (I have none) Get a second job (so in my spare time, after working my first job 40-50 hours, and after school about 10 -15 hours per week, when my kids are sleeping and don’t need supervision??) I’ve heard I should “pray” or be prayed for ( I’m sorry, been there, done that)  It’s not that prayer has no value, it just doesn’t produce money, or change my situation at all.  So far I have left no stone unturned, but I am looking for fresh ideas.  Ways I can make more money, spend less money, or something.  Even if not for now but for the future, so I could have hope.  Right now, I have little hope, and I feel so low at starting yet another year in this pit.